Elements of Effective Conflict Management
Conflict in relationships is a fact of life. People will always have differences in opinions, no matter how well they get along. Whether at work, home, or school conflict will arise sooner or later. Once we realize this important fact of life, conflict becomes less difficult to manage. But how we deal with conflict makes all the difference in the world. We have many options for handling the conflicts that come our way, but some are more effective than others. This paper will outline the elements of effective conflict management and provide both research and personal experience to support the thesis that conflict can be a healthy component of relationships if managed constructively.
Before engaging in conflict, there are a number of steps to take that will help the actual conflict communication progress smoothly. The first step is to identify what you are feeling (Scott, 2009 and Wilson, 2009). This involves taking time to think through what you are feeling and why. It is helpful to identify the exact emotion. Is it anger, hurt feelings, frustration or something else? Next, it is helpful to identify exactly what prompted the emotion. It could be that the other person did something that you disagree with or they said something that hurt your feelings. Examine why what they did or said bothered you to the extent that it did. Think about what is going on in other areas of your life and if under normal circumstances, their action or words might not have bothered you at all. Sometimes something relatively minor gets blown out of proportion because we have other frustrations in life. Wilson (2009) says, “There is merit in acknowledging specific feelings so that you can decide what to do about them.” Once you know what you are feeling and why, it is time for the next step.
Identifying what would be an effective solution to the problem is important to know before going into the conflict communication process. Sometimes an awareness of the problem and a simple, heartfelt apology is all we need. Other times, we may need an apology coupled with a change in behavior. Either way, it is important to have an idea of what we need and what our goals are before initiating contact. This step helps to direct the energy toward a focus on the solution rather than a focus on the problem. Cahn and Abigail (2007, pg. 14) report that “effective conflict management consists of acting and reacting in problematic situations in such a way as to convert potentially destructive interpersonal conflicts into productive ones.” By focusing on the solution rather than the problem, we are more apt to have a productive conversation.
Lastly, before initiating the conflict conversation, it is important to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Cahn and Abigail (2007) stress the importance of using “effectively worded I-statements” (pg 105). By focusing on carefully selected I-statements, we can diffuse a situation. You-statements can be perceived as attacking and confrontational putting the other person immediately on the defensive. You-statements place blame on the other person rather than focusing on the situation itself. They also focus on the problem rather than the solution.
When it is time to have the conversation, it is important to make time for it. Tell the other person that “we need to talk” and schedule enough time to talk through the situation. Schedule this conversation so it can be done with relative privacy. Then, start the conversation with some form of common ground. Let the person know that you appreciate the relationship you have built over time and explain that something has come up that you feel needs to be addressed. Using those I-statements, clearly and concisely outline what you are feeling and why. Explain that you have thought about what will fix the situation and present your desired solution. The key word here is “concisely.” Do not go on and on, repeating yourself over and over again. That focuses on the problem rather than the solution.
When you are done, ask the person what they think and how they feel about what you have said. This opens the door for them to provide a response. At this point, it is time to listen to them. Look them directly in the eye while they are speaking, lean toward them to show interest, and focus on what they are saying to you. Do not spend their time talking thinking about what you want to say next. You have had your say, now it is time to listen. Scott (2009) explains, “It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than just our own, if we are to come to a resolution.” In fact, sometimes just feeling like we have been heard goes a long way toward reaching a resolution.
I find that listening is the most important step to effective conflict management. By listening to the other person, I show that I care about the person and desire to maintain a good relationship with them. When they are finished speaking, I like to paraphrase back to them what I heard them say. This ensures that we both have a good understanding of what is being said. I communicate that I heard their side of the story and that it is just as important to me as my side of the story. From there, it becomes a matter of continuing the conversation until a solution is reached for which we are both satisfied.
Sometimes finding a solution is quite easy and other times it can be very difficult, depending on the situation. When that is the case, it is important to brainstorm options that will satisfy both parties. I would begin this part of the conversation by saying something like, “This problem is more complex than I had anticipated. I did not realize the impact it would have on you. I would like to suggest that we talk through several different options so we can develop a solution about which we both agree. Our relationship is very important to me and I think if we give it some extra time and energy, we can make our relationship even better. Do you agree?” This opens the door for a brainstorming session and communicates positively to the other person.
Finally, once a resolution is decided upon, talk about the relationship itself. Was the conversation beneficial to improving the relationship? Did it help to clear the air about some uncertainties that you had? Resolve to put into action the agreed-upon solution and to have a follow-up conversation to ensure both parties are indeed satisfied with the outcome.
Each of these steps is important to effective conflict management. They are a variation of the Stop, Think, Listen, Communicate model presented by Cahn and Abigail (2007, pg. 41). When first confronted with a problem, it is important to stop and think about our feelings, think about why we feel what we feel, and think about what solution would be acceptable. Also, stop and think about how to approach the conversation with the other person. After communicating your side of the situation using carefully selected I-statements, listen to what the other person has to say. Be an active listener using eye contact and positive body language. Let the person know you understood what they said by paraphrasing back to them what you heard. Then look for solutions that you both can feel good about. For more complex situations, this may involve creative brainstorming. Once a solution is identified, communicate positively about the relationship itself and decide when to follow-up to ensure that both parties are satisfied with the outcomes. Conflict is inevitable and by knowing and following these elements of effective conflict management, relationships can be restored and made stronger as a result.
References
Cahn, D.D. and Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication. Pearson Education, Inc.
Scott, E. (2009). “Conflict resolution skills for healthy relationships.” About.com: Stress management. Retrieved November 29, 2009 from http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/a/conflict_res.htm
Wilson, S.B. (2009). “GOMO! Get over it; move on!” Conflict resolution strategies. Executive Strategies. Retrieved November 29, 2009, from http://www.execstrategies.com/Facilitator/ConflictResolutionStrategies.htm
